HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL -
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left
arm as if holding a baby. Position right hand thumb on
either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure
to cheeks while holding pill in hand. As cat opens
mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth
and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in right arm (To avoid wound on left arm)
and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill
away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in best
arm, holding rear paws tightly with hand. Force jaws
open and push pill to back of mouth with forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top
of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls
emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop
in pill, put down ruler and rub cat's throat
vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair
curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and
vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing
later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on
cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill
in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with
pencil and blow through straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to
humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply
Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another
pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and
close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of
scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek
and check records for tetanus shot. Apply whiskey
compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another
shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from
bedroom.
12) Call fire department to retrieve the #$%@ cat from
tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who
crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take
last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie the little #$%@'s front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table,
find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be
rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints
of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive
you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants
from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to
order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect the "cat from hell"
and call local pet shop to see if they have any guinea
pigs available.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL -
1) Wrap it in bacon. Drop on the floor.